Filed under: America, Family, Food and Drink, Friends, Indianapolis, Ireland in General
It’s just after 9 a.m. and I’m finally moving. The kids seem to get me up too early these days, but I won’t let the couch call my name again today (if I can help it). I pour my first cup of coffee – my favorite – and watch it swirl and steam up inside the cup, like futures in a crystal ball. I love watching that first cup of coffee. I add a dash of cream and watch it follow a counterclockwise swirling pattern.
Evelyn is sitting on the couch in her princess nightgown, swinging her legs and dress-up shoed feet in time to a song she’s making up. Shea is napping and Frank is still asleep.
It’s a beautiful, sunny morning, cool and clear but humid in nearly tropical proportions. At least to someone who spent the majority of the last 6 years in Ireland. I’m so thankful that this has been one of the coolest Julys on record in Indianapolis. It’s still been a hot one for us, but not unbearable, particularly considering we still don’t have the air conditioning fixed on our minivan. And it’s nice not to have to keep the air on all the time in house, too. I wish I could keep the windows in the house wide open all the time, really, but that’s unfortunately not an option in our neighbourhood.
I’m making strawberry cherry rhubarb jam. A strange combination, maybe, but it’s made out of the over-ripe stuff I have on hand, like all the best jams are (of course). I’m pitting the cherries with my fingers and staining my cuticles. Ah well.
Cherries get kind of a bad rap. They’re kind of the Regina Spektor of the fruit world – lovely and worthy but a bit of work to get into. Like drinking from a cup and saucer instead of a mug. Like starting your summer plants early from seed instead of buying 2 inch plants from a store. It’s a nice idea, but no one has time for that. I think it’s sad that people avoid cherries for “easier” fruits like apples or bananas or strawberries. When I was growing up in Montana, Flathead Cherries were anticipated all Spring. Rainier Cherries, too.
I remember the Friday fruit stall in Drogheda would often have gorgeous piles of ripe, red cherries that didn’t attract any attention beyond small swarms of yellow jackets. The proprietors would walk up and down in front of their stall with samples of the beautiful fruit, and samples of fresh Spanish peaches and nectarines, too, but couldn’t coax the aul’ Irish ladies to try any. “I don’t like the stones,” they’d complain. “I don’t like the fuzz.” So I bought some cherries, most weeks, and some peaches and nectarines, too, even though I was usually the only one in our house to eat them.
The jam is smelling pretty good and I’m sitting down with my coffee to finally read the Sunday paper. You read that right – it is Thursday. Better late than never – and I do enjoy paging through a real, live, inky smelling newspaper, even if I don’t get around to it for several days.
I wonder what kind of a day it’s going to be. I know it’s passe to say it, but I can’t believe a lot of schools have started already. It’s not even August! Not quite. I’m not ready for that. We ended our YMCA membership, so I don’t know what we’re going to do with Evelyn for preschool. So many up-in-the-airs for us right now.
As the jam bubbles away, I think of a dear woman who passed away this week, another loving mentor at the Tinsley Living History Farm. Helen Heaton was a wealth of knowledge and humour, and I pray she is hammering away on her dulcimer in Heaven. What an inspiring, strong, lovely person the Pearly Gates have gained.
And I think of another beautiful woman, this time a much younger one, who is nearing the end of her life as well. I met Susan Hodgin in 2006, I think, when I took a painting workshop from her at the Indianapolis Arts Center. She was lovely, bubbly and encouraging, and gave me a real love and better understanding for painting. I have never been a great painter, or even a good one, but she showed me how enjoyable it is to pick up a brush and some cheap acrylics and lose myself for a few hours. Not that I’ve been able to do that in quite some time! I went on to know Susan a bit better because she’s related to a friend of mine, so we would often frequent the same parties and book club. She’s a sensitive, honest soul and an extremely talented painter in her own right. She’s now also a wife and a mother to a 2 1/2 year old girl. And cancer has slowly sucked the life from her, without reason or fairness or even good timing. Not that there’s ever good timing for cancer. Cancer is a lot of profanities I want to rattle off right now but will spare you.
So we have to say goodbye to another life full of promise. We have to say goodbye to another friend full of sparkle.
I know we are all helpless, and this must be felt particularly painfully by those who love her most. I find myself wishing I had one of her works of art hanging on my wall, even a print would do, to remind myself during my own hard days that at least I have my life. At least my kids have a mother. Susan has been fighting for every breath like a champ, determined to live even her horrible moments to their fullest before she has to go and leave everyone behind. And I feel ashamed that I don’t always have that kind of fight in me. Looking at her work reminds me that, behind the lump in my throat, each moment (even a bad one) is a blessing.
So, for us, there will be jam at the end of the day. And probably a clean load of laundry (I won’t promise it’ll be folded) and some bills paid. There might be pain, but pain reminds us we’re alive. And perhaps that’s enough for now.
Kind of a beautiful mess.
Lately, I feel like people are thinking, “Oh Geez, here come those complaining Kellys again. Never happy.”
If you follow our Facebook or Twitter accounts, read my husband’s or my blogs or keep up with us in any way, you will have seen a lot of up and down commentary from us over the last good while. Job frustrations, money woes, loneliness, homesickness for Ireland, challenges with the kids, and certainly a lot of anxiety since our home intrusion back in April. But mostly, I think, our admitted dissatisfaction comes from a passionate and unquenchable desire to be something more. To hold on to our dreams, and work hard for them. To leave a mark. To mean something. And the knowledge that we are not “getting anywhere” at the moment.
I’ve found myself asking a lot of questions lately. Does everyone dream big, but only a few achieve? Why do some people never “get there?” Is it a matter of work, or belief, or opportunity, or luck? If God puts talents and desires into each of us, shouldn’t we fight for them, and try our best to see them through?
I know, when looking at famous examples throughout history, a lot of dreamers had to sacrifice things like family, friends, even health and certainly money, in order to follow their hearts. Some of these people were selfishly obsessed with money or fame. Some were simply driven by belief in what they had to offer. I’d like to think that Frank and I are part of the latter group. We both, and together, have deep, sincere, heart-felt, nearly primal dreams we dream every day. They don’t really involve celebrity, power, or fortune, but rather a better life for our kids and a greater feeling of satisfaction and some pride in what we’ve been able to give back to the world.
We are, both of us, story tellers.
Yet, it seems unpopular in our world today for anyone past the age of, oh, say 25, to dream. That’s kid stuff. If you haven’t taken a risk or made your mark by then, you need to give it up. It’s selfish and foolhardy to pursue personal ambitions past 30, much less 40! And when you have kids? Don’t even think about it.
It’s like we’re perpetuating a myth, generation after generation of us, raising children with hope and encouragement, only to squelch our own ambitions before they can fly if they don’t succeed within an accepted time frame. We watch our parents and grandparents give up, and we dream for a little while, and then give up, too. We tell our kids to dream, and then watch them close the door when their own little ones come. And unless you’re extremely driven, or lucky, or cut-throat about it, you won’t break free.
I find this ideology incredibly frustrating. And I feel like I can’t sincerely tell my daughter and son to aim high and reach for the stars if I won’t allow myself, or Frank, to do it as well. Continue reading
Filed under: America, Arts and Crafts, Food and Drink, Friends, Indianapolis | Tags: Bozeman, friends, Indianapolis, walnut coffee cake
“Old friends, old friends, sat on their park bench like bookends.”
When I was in college, my summer job was working as an interpreter at a living history farm in Bozeman, Montana. Looking back, I could not imagine myself landing a better job than this – dressing up as a circa 1900 woman, cooking on a wood stove, talking to visitors, learning how to crochet and embroider and sew on a treadle machine, getting to try a huge array of interesting vegetables from an ever-expanding heritage garden, and, best of all, learning from the bottomless well of knowledge that was our volunteer base. We had everything from blacksmiths to gardeners, spinners and weavers and musicians, all historians of sorts, all (or mostly) lovely, wise, fascinating people.
My favourite days on the farm were usually Saturdays, particularly early in the season when it was still a bit chilly. If it was raining out, the house would be dark (no electricity!) and visitors rarely came down the wooden sidewalk. Those were the days when I would build up the fire in the wood stove, make a big pot of cowboy coffee, and sit around the table with my boss, Dave Kinsey, and one of my very favourite ladies, Karen James. I was only a teenager, but they never, ever made me feel small. We would talk about the farm, Western history, our town, our lives, local politics, and so on. And, usually, Karen would bring a truly magnificent coffee cake. We’d sit there, cozy and pleasant, eating piece after piece of this sinfully buttery cake covered in sugary walnuts and cinnamon. We’d drink gallons of coffee, ignoring the grounds sinking to the bottom of our cups as we topped up and poked the fire. I know it sounds funny and a little naughty that I loved those peaceful mornings when nobody would come around the house looking for a tour! But it was those sweet friendships we were forging that I found myself looking forward to all week, and missing when the job was over for another summer.
A few years later, when I was working for Heartland Truly Moving Pictures in downtown Indianapolis, I formed similar bonds with many of the staff. I still remember when Kevin Swiontek would poke his head in my office nearly every morning with the same single worded question: “Coffee?” He’d usually accompany the query with a gesture of drinking a cup. I would smile, grab my purse, and join the group that also usually included my friends Claire Brosman and Kristi Gross as we walked across the street to Nordstrom’s coffee shop. Somehow, we all needed those few moments of camaraderie at the start of our long days, just a short break to get a breath of fresh air and ask how everyone’s weekends went. It brought us closer as friends and co-workers. And if it was a good day, or perhaps a particularly bad day, I would treat myself to Nordstrom’s “old-fashioned” coffee cake, which was the closest confection I’ve ever had, before or since, to Karen’s wonderful cake. This one was probably factory made, but still buttery, rich, and sweet with nuts and cinnamon. So the same comfortable association lived on, even in another time and another city. Continue reading
Families are hard work. There are always members, be they brothers, sisters, uncles, fathers, cousins, who will feel ostracized. Perhaps, that was even their intention. Perhaps not.
We fight. Sometimes we make up. Sometimes we sit in silence, miles away, waiting for a phone call or a visit or a letter that doesn’t come for years. Or may not come at all. We misunderstand. We try to make our own values fit the people we love, even when that dress will never, and should never, be altered for someone else.
And we hold ourselves back from the others, too. We tell ourselves we’re the black sheep. We remind ourselves of things said or done, maybe years ago, that put up walls between us and the ones we love. And we wonder if we still love each other.
I feel like the older I get, the less I understand about life. The longer I’m on this earth, the more I realize that my days here are nothing I ever expected. But, for better or for worse, I want my family to know that I love them.
You can’t do anything that will make me stop loving you. We’ve crushed each other with harsh words and unkind deeds, some on purpose, some unintentional. We will never be able to understand some things about each other. But I love you, now and always. And when the storms of life come, I will link arms with you, even though we’re miles, states, countries, continents apart! You can’t do anything that will make me stop loving you.
And I thank you for loving me, too.
My head is throbbing.
I am jumpy, skitterish, probably unnecessarily anxious.
Today was a long day – getting Evelyn off to pre-school at 8:30, coming home to catch up on dishes and try to work on an article, then work at Starbucks 12:30, taking Frank to work at 5:30, then getting a babysitter and going to do a film review this evening. I missed dinner and didn’t have much of a lunch. I felt almost jovial coming out of the movie, stopped in to Trader Joe’s and headed for the highway home.
At the stoplight just before I69/465, I clicked on the little indicator that says how much gas I have left – oops, only 7 miles until empty. And I was in the wrong lane to turn around. So I got on the highway, nervous and scanning the exits for a gas station. This wouldn’t do – I had to get off at Lawrence. I wasn’t going to end up stranded at night on the highway with one headlight and no one to rescue me. I drove down a street that, while well lit, was not where I wanted to be. I had to pull in to the first gas station – really the only gas station – I could see, and as I did, I noticed there were police cars parked askew in the lot and a couple officers having heated debate with some young girls. I tried to stay nonchalant, but a voice came over the speaker and told me I’d have to pre-pay inside. So I locked the car and walked through the police cars and in to the station. I waited in line, listening to the shouts and curses of people in the store. I could feel my face flushing, a rushing sound filling my ears and a sort of desperation as I willed the line to move faster. I paid a polite cashier and quickened my steps back to the car, where I put $20 worth in my tank. A well-dressed man on the other side of the pump filled his car and shook his head at me, saying, “I’m just dreading this summer, when those crime rates are gonna climb even higher. A few months from now, I don’t even want to see. It’s already started. These young kids, they just don’t care, don’t even care about living.” I nodded soberly back at him.
I finished pumping my gas, wished the man good night and safe home, and got back in my car, locked the doors and got back on the highway. But the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel the chills of reality. He was right, and I knew it. Everyone around here knows it. This summer is going to be bad, unless something changes. Continue reading
Filed under: America, Family, Indianapolis, Parenting | Tags: constipation, kids, night shift, picky eaters, poor sleep habits
I love kids. I always wanted kids. Yet, every day it seems I ask myself, “Am I really cut out for this?”
I started babysitting at 11, was a camp counselor as a teenager, volunteered in the church nursery in my 20s and was even a nanny for a stint in Ireland, so I know all about changing diapers, giving baths, making babyfood and bottles, playing games, calling time outs, and all that stuff. But it’s the bigger stuff, the life training stuff, that really throws me curves with my own kids. Like I said to Frank just yesterday, with any other job, if you’ve tried your absolute best and still failed, the world won’t stop turning. But with your kids, if you’ve tried your hardest and failed, that’s not good enough. Frank says everyone has frustrations and stresses with life, and kids, and he’s right – but sometimes I wonder if “everyone” has better coping mechanisms than I do?
It’s Saturday morning, just before 7 a.m. Evelyn has woken me up (and subsequently, Shea, too) with a cheerful, “Good morning!” I get up and go about turning on cartoons and getting her breakfast. Shea is grouchy and smells sort of sour behind the ears, like he spit up during the night. He was whinging all night long anyway, probably too hot sleeping in the bed between Frank and me. I rearrange dirty dishes in the kitchen and find some clean ones so I can bring Evelyn her cereal, milk and juice. She is drawing at the coffee table and politely says, “Bank you Mummy!” I put Shea down so he can crawl while I check my email. He crawls over to Evelyn and pulls a piece of her drawing paper off the coffee table – of course the piece of paper her breakfast was sitting on. So cereal, milk, paper, all over the carpet, wet and stinky and soaking in. I get cross at Evelyn for not watching Shea, even though I know I should have been watching them both. I call the dog to clean up the first layer of mess, then I come in with towels and cleaner to try and soak up the rest of the milk. Throughout my cleaning, I have to keep moving Shea so he won’t crawl into the mess he just made and I scold Evelyn for not playing with him as a distraction. When the mess is sort of clean, I put Shea in his high chair and proceed to toasting some bagels for our breakfast. I look over and he does his beamy chin-in-the-air smile at me while eating something he found stuck to his high chair. I thought I cleaned it last night??? I wait for his bagel to cool and hand it to him. He throws it on the floor. I scold him, pick it up and examine it for dog hairs, in which it is covered. Guess Georgie gets to eat his breakfast, too. I pull the shade on the kitchen window and sit with Shea to watch the sun rise. And even in this sweet moment, I sort of want to restart the day. Actually, I feel like I’m not ready to begin the day at all. But there is no mountain of covers big enough to hide me from my needy, lovely, children. Continue reading
Filed under: America, Family, Indianapolis, Ireland in General, Parenting, Writing | Tags: anxiety, Immigration, Irish, Midwest Winter
Well, seeing as you’re still reading, I guess I’ll keep writing. For now. :) I’m happy with a lot of the posts I’ve achieved with this blog over the last several years, and I don’t really want to give it up. So if you’ll just be patient with my few, sporadic, posts, I’ll try to focus a bit more and put stuff up more often.
After the last post, a kind woman who has been through a similar situation expressed the feeling PERFECTLY as “reverse culture shock.” Yes, I’d say that’s exactly what we’re feeling after this most recent move back to the USA. I know it’s what I’m feeling for sure.
It’s been a little crazy. :) We were so worried, and anxious, and upset, when Frank didn’t find work for so long. And health care (or the lack thereof) really, really got to me. I wasn’t even thinking about President Obama or all the debate or even where we were going to find the money – I just wanted the security of knowing we’d be taken care of! And after being turned away and hung up on and treated like dirt when I just wanted the basics for my family, I was very, very upset. Finally, as you know, Frank found work and the benefits are really good. In fact, they just went into effect for us, which is good because Frank and I were turned down twice for Medicaid for “lack of paperwork,” even though we provided everything and more that they requested. The kids, however, were covered by Medicaid for some reason, so they’ve been “safe” for the last few weeks. Whew.
Then, just as we prepared to celebrate, I got very sick all Christmas week. Explosively sick. Was it our Dec. 23rd Chinese take-out, or was it an evil predatory virus? We will never know. As soon as we’d gotten back on our feet from that one, the weather came in to play. As you probably also know, it’s been an insane winter for the Midwest. Continue reading