Post New Year’s Musings…

Two more friends, happily married off and currently honeymooning in states of wedded bliss… Congratulations, Jeanine & Jon and Tyler & Madeleine. Here’s a picture of the bridal party from the first (in which I took part). Don’t look at my fat arm.


As I reflect on 2005, I can’t help but feel melancholy. What was I thinking? Who was I trying to be? Here I thought I was making all these leaps of growth in my maturity and spirituality, yet I walked straight into so many enormous mistakes, one right after another.

Maybe it’s not as bad as all that, but it is nevertheless how I feel after a terrible weekend filled with tears so painful I could hardly make myself cry. I know I hold myself to an impossible standard… but this year I didn’t even come close to meeting my own expectations. For the first time in a long time, I am sorry. And I honestly don’t know when my heart will stop hurting because of all this.

Sometimes I wish God wasn’t so forgiving.

But still…it wasn’t all bad (lest you think I’m a total sad sack).

I saw the Colts win their last regular season game, live and in person!!!

I renewed old friendships and made some great new ones.

I made the exciting transition into my very own apartment – my first real home.

I saw Coldplay, Aqualung, Harsh Krieger, Tony Bennett, and several rounds of Jon McLaughlin.

I caught two bridal bouquets, both as I purposely dodged out of the way.

I made a full Thanksgiving dinner, and it was good.

I kissed dozens of boys – oops, I mean, babies. Ha ha. Really. Babies. Baby boys. And girls. I kissed babies. Oh, whatever.

I went on my first “real” Spring Break and came back a changed woman.

I rescued a handicapped woman from an uncertain hitchhiking fate.

I made a mocha for Tony Dungee, I walked throught the Lord of the Rings Exhibit with Dakota Fanning, and I interviewed Karl Malden over the phone.

I stood up for myself more… even when it cost me relationships I valued.

And no matter what I say or think or even possibly regret, I am glad, in a way, that I wasn’t afraid to take risks this year. Some were good… some were foolish…most I will never forget.

Thank you, Xanga friends, for allowing me to be candid here. It’s another risk I’m taking… but I’m doing it because somehow I feel like it’s OK to reveal bits of my heart on this crazy blog. And really, it’s the only way I know how to do it. It’s the only way I know how to live.


12 thoughts on “

  1. It was a weird year for me… I dont know why.. I guess because this is the first year of my adult life that I have had to be responsible… (kid and all)… You look great in that pic… Well you usually do… I envy that you saw the colts play their last game… Right now I am giving you the finger… not really because that would be ackward if someone walked in my office and I was giving the finger to my computer… Anyways… Got to go…Justin

  2. OWWW, what a hot, HOT, hottie you are in that red dress! Thanks for the congrats Maryann. You’ll have to send me your address because you are definitely invited. 🙂 How is Heartland going, post-New Year? Merry late-Christmas and happy January beautiful!

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