Post New Year’s Musings…
Two more friends, happily married off and currently honeymooning in states of wedded bliss… Congratulations, Jeanine & Jon and Tyler & Madeleine. Here’s a picture of the bridal party from the first (in which I took part). Don’t look at my fat arm.
As I reflect on 2005, I can’t help but feel melancholy. What was I thinking? Who was I trying to be? Here I thought I was making all these leaps of growth in my maturity and spirituality, yet I walked straight into so many enormous mistakes, one right after another.
Maybe it’s not as bad as all that, but it is nevertheless how I feel after a terrible weekend filled with tears so painful I could hardly make myself cry. I know I hold myself to an impossible standard… but this year I didn’t even come close to meeting my own expectations. For the first time in a long time, I am sorry. And I honestly don’t know when my heart will stop hurting because of all this.
Sometimes I wish God wasn’t so forgiving.
But still…it wasn’t all bad (lest you think I’m a total sad sack).
I saw the Colts win their last regular season game, live and in person!!!
I renewed old friendships and made some great new ones.
I made the exciting transition into my very own apartment – my first real home.
I saw Coldplay, Aqualung, Harsh Krieger, Tony Bennett, and several rounds of Jon McLaughlin.
I caught two bridal bouquets, both as I purposely dodged out of the way.
I made a full Thanksgiving dinner, and it was good.
I kissed dozens of boys – oops, I mean, babies. Ha ha. Really. Babies. Baby boys. And girls. I kissed babies. Oh, whatever.
I went on my first “real” Spring Break and came back a changed woman.
I rescued a handicapped woman from an uncertain hitchhiking fate.
I made a mocha for Tony Dungee, I walked throught the Lord of the Rings Exhibit with Dakota Fanning, and I interviewed Karl Malden over the phone.
I stood up for myself more… even when it cost me relationships I valued.
And no matter what I say or think or even possibly regret, I am glad, in a way, that I wasn’t afraid to take risks this year. Some were good… some were foolish…most I will never forget.
Thank you, Xanga friends, for allowing me to be candid here. It’s another risk I’m taking… but I’m doing it because somehow I feel like it’s OK to reveal bits of my heart on this crazy blog. And really, it’s the only way I know how to do it. It’s the only way I know how to live.