Uphill both ways

I often wonder why it seems I always choose the harder route.

I know one of my chief flaws is pride, but is it always pride that drives me to pick the most difficult way to do something?

Why, in a room full of kind faces, do I seek the approval of the one person who does NOT want to be my friend?

Why do I beat myself up trying to tame a garden full of stones, heavy clay, cat poop, viscous weeds, slugs and snails, sporadic sunshine and a digging dog?

Why must I try new recipes that more often than not fail… when I have volumes full of recipes that work?

Why do I spend much too long on a hairdo that resembles a bird’s nest when the ponytail I began with was perfectly fine? When I’m going to work (late for work) and no one even cares what my hair looks like?

Why am I too shy to ask for help from neighbors, friends, relatives?

There have been many occasions in my life when people (usually Bonnie ) ask me a similar series of “whys.” So why must I make it so hard?

I don’t know. But I see it, I feel it, I shake my head at it… but like the tiny scab you know not to pick, I keep doing it.

I wonder what God thinks when He sees me spinning in my self-inflicted maze.

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3 thoughts on “Uphill both ways

  1. thank you for your words.  i have always appreciated your honesty.  and i understand what you mean about always feeling alone.  i read something from Thomas Merton about how there is a void between each of us.  i suppose this is where we find loneliness. 
    i hope all is well, my little Irish friend.  if i ever get over to the isles, i will pay you a visit. 

  2. yeah, and then I married a guy who does the same thing. the tenacity is somewhat endearing I hope you can learn to accept that this is who you are and while you must always try out the hard way, not be hard on yourself when it doesn’t work out. because sometimes it does and then you have done something amazing.

  3. Maybe like me you are naturally drawn to the hard way because the hard way is where the gold is. All the best things in life must first be worked for and won. Some of my most valued recipes are the ones no one else I know has mastered. Some of my most valuable friends are the ones who used to hate me. My favorite flowers grow in that part of our property where nothing should ever logically be able to grow. Maybe it isn’t just pride that keeps you seeking to win the hard battles. Maybe somewhere inside you are holding out hope for those seemingly hopeless battles to be winnable……….~Echo

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